Sunday, September 6, 2009
Good Bye Friend
Good Bye Friend
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I guess I'm the "why me" kinda person you were talking about and I don't care
Buddy has always been special to me. We both did vigorous training for him to become a therapy dog for St. Lukes in 2004. He has since retired but the time we spent together built such an indescribable bond. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. He would get so excited to go to the hospital and have the kids pet him. The kids in the cancer ward would always call him the big black dog or the "black golden retriever". It is almost ironic that he used to help cheer kids up that were dying from cancer and now that cancer is what will take his life.
My husband and I have decided because he is at such an advanced stage we are not going to treat him with chemotherapy. Instead we will give him prednisone to make him feel better until his life ends. I don't want him to die. I don't want to watch him get sick and me to have to decide when to let him go. But I have to. And this is where I'm at. I guess feeling sorry for myself again. I sit and wonder if he has the mental capability to know that the end is near. He is still pretty lively but from the research I have done that will change very quickly. His appetite is already failing and I have to talk him through eating twice a day. The specialist said with or without the steroid treatment he will most likely only live a month or two and I can't stand the thought. Again I wonder (being in the field that I'm in) how people get through this. I guess it's just like everything else, you do it because there is no choice.
When my dad died I was talking to a Vet that lost her dad to a car accident and she said to me, "well at least you got to say goodbye, I didn't". The statement made me angry. My brother also died in a car accident and I never got to tell him goodbye. I guess whatever your situation you wish it was something else. But I can tell you right now, Watching someone die is so incredibly life crushing there aren't words to describe. So here I am again having to watch my Buddy get sick and die. It kills me to the core.
I don't get why god is handing me this. I feel like god has always given me large loads to carry, but this is almost too much. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go to work, I just want to be with him. But when I am with him, I am sad. People keep telling me enjoy him while he's here, but every time I look and him, pet him, kiss him, all I can think of is that this is all coming to and end soon. I think It is much more difficult for me emotionally right now because I just lost my dad, with no real time to grieve or show emotion. I feel almost slapped in the face and the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders for me to work through by myself. I feel like no one truly understands. I feel like people just "act" like they care. Similar to how I felt after dad died. I guess I just feel like I am waiting around for him to die now and there is an incredibly since of helplessness! There is nothing I can do. I want for him to feel better to get better but even with prayers I know it will not happen.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
One of the many reasons I love my husband
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diva
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
How can I keep her here for me?
I worry about my girl. I think god has been preparing me for her time to go. I don't want to think about it but the time is coming soon I think and it scares me so much. I love her so much, I don't want her to leave me. She is always in pain. How can I keep her here for me?
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sometimes
A couple of broken hearts, loosing my brother, a divorce, a marriage, loosing my dad. And so many little things in between all those. Sometimes it is just too much to handle. I think I am fine for a while. Every once in a while it hits me.
I can't help but to think that many of my emotional and physical issues have to do with all of the crap I have had to deal with.
Why god is it so easy for some people and really hard for others. I don't get it. Of course then I start thinking about how lucky I really have it. Usually it can always be worse so you should be thankful for what you have, and what you did have.
But still. WHAT THE HELL>! I guess this is Jane feeling sorry for herself.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A Few of My Favorite Things
Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Only found at Taco Bell
Bounce Lint Rollers
Smell great, really gets the pet hair off and helps to prevent more pet hair from sticking
Graco Wooden Baby Gate
Changed my life, great for keeping pets in and out
Downy Lavendar and Vanillia Dryer Sheets
I love the way they smell
John Frieda's Frizz Ease Dream Curls
Works awesome for curly hair and doesn't make it "crunchy"
LG EnV2 Phone
My new cell, great for texting and has a lot of cool features
Infusium 23 Leave in Conditioner
works awesome for tangles and helps with frizz
Kirby Sentria
I freakin love my vacuum it works awesome and has a cool hard floor attachment so I never have to sweep again! Woohoo
Bath & Body Works Warm Vanillia Sugar Lotion
love it! smells good!
Adidas Sling Bag
works great for scootering, it's pink and it has a shock absorbing strap
Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
A indoor cat owner's must have!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The little things that bother me when i think about you
We threw away the food that you opened, it went bad
Quietness of the house. No TV
Getting rid of your things
Looking at your pictures when you were skinny and sick
The bad old days
Empty couch
You wanted to live
The dog is lonely
We all are
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
How are you doing?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Can't Describe These Feelings
I watched you struggle to breathe, it didn't even look like you. I wonder if you really would have wanted us all there watching you, just waiting for you to die. I don't really think you would have. But I know you didn't want to be alone so we were there. As hard as it was. I layed my head next to yours and told you it was ok to go. I love you. I love you. Those words I had only told you enough times to count with one hand. And why? Why were words so hard to say to you?
We watched on and I saw you slip away and suddenly our family of 5 turned to 3. I cried.