I'm not a huge reader of the bible but I did attend Sunday school many years ago pretty religously (no pun intended). I think somewhere in there it talks about rain and how god intended it to wash things clean. That is what I need. I need a clean slate. This early morning as I listen to the rain fall hard on my roof, all I can think about is the tears. Call it symbolism but, the tears within me seem similar to the falling rain.
About 24 hours ago I came to learn of a long time friend's death. Her name was Lindsay and she was my bride's maid in my wedding. She was only 25 years old and she's gone. My sister, her and I, grew up together. Three years older than my sister and three years younger than me, we made a good clan. We had similar things in common. Comdeians at heart, had a strong passion for animals. Our clan often made things up to preform, clubs to become members of. Two of those included the earth savers club and the smoky the bear club :) . She lived directly across the street from our house the majority of my growing up so she truely became like a second sister to me.
My world, once again, extremely shaken. I feel very much on the edge some kind of mental break down. Although I'm not sure if it is a negative break down or not, it concerns me. I need some silence, a washing of rain, lots of tears.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
"Even with Prayers I know it won't happen"
That line was the last line of my blog about my dog Buddy. Buddy IS and I'm estatic to report ALIVE and doing pretty good!! Just a couple days ago we had a couple growths removed from him and he is truely hanging on like a trooper.
I feel sad that I had little faith in god. With god anything is possible. When did I start doubting him?
I talked to a friend a few days ago that I hadn't talked to in a long time and he said, "so yeah, I was reading your blogs on your MySpace, are you like all religous now or something.?", I almost wanted to laugh because, first of all those blogs I wrote were probably close to 3 years old and second I am very far from god now. But him saying that was a little slap in the face. I go back to my blogs that I had wrote and It was so simple to see and change in my life just by the way I was writing. I was happy! I was hopeful. To respond to my friend I said, "yeah that was a long time ago, and a lot has changed since then." Truely I have been through a lot of heartache in the past year, but god hasn't changed, I have. His love is everlasting and complete. So I guess I am just thinking as I'm typing here but...how have I changed?! Obvoiusly I've lost some faith. But why? I think some of it may be some resentment from loosing my dad. You know I have really only gone to church maybe twice since my daddy died nearly a year and a half ago. I know speaking with god and going for worship is very emotional for me and that is one of the reasons I have been avoiding church. I mean, I think deep down inside I really haven't grieved, I have completely pushed my emotions aside, because I knew I had to. I had two jobs to go back to, and had to be a "normal" person at them. I only took like three days off of work after his funneral, everyone else took a couple weeks, my sister took like a month. I don't know I think I have some resentment there too. It's hard to say what has happened but I think it's time to let god take care of these burdens and let him back into my life. With Prayers I know it CAN happen.
I feel sad that I had little faith in god. With god anything is possible. When did I start doubting him?
I talked to a friend a few days ago that I hadn't talked to in a long time and he said, "so yeah, I was reading your blogs on your MySpace, are you like all religous now or something.?", I almost wanted to laugh because, first of all those blogs I wrote were probably close to 3 years old and second I am very far from god now. But him saying that was a little slap in the face. I go back to my blogs that I had wrote and It was so simple to see and change in my life just by the way I was writing. I was happy! I was hopeful. To respond to my friend I said, "yeah that was a long time ago, and a lot has changed since then." Truely I have been through a lot of heartache in the past year, but god hasn't changed, I have. His love is everlasting and complete. So I guess I am just thinking as I'm typing here but...how have I changed?! Obvoiusly I've lost some faith. But why? I think some of it may be some resentment from loosing my dad. You know I have really only gone to church maybe twice since my daddy died nearly a year and a half ago. I know speaking with god and going for worship is very emotional for me and that is one of the reasons I have been avoiding church. I mean, I think deep down inside I really haven't grieved, I have completely pushed my emotions aside, because I knew I had to. I had two jobs to go back to, and had to be a "normal" person at them. I only took like three days off of work after his funneral, everyone else took a couple weeks, my sister took like a month. I don't know I think I have some resentment there too. It's hard to say what has happened but I think it's time to let god take care of these burdens and let him back into my life. With Prayers I know it CAN happen.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Good Bye Friend
O my friend. My little gray friend. I loved your squeaky meow. The way you loved your forehead kissed. My sweet boy you will be in my heart always.
Good Bye Friend
Good Bye Friend
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I guess I'm the "why me" kinda person you were talking about and I don't care
Yesterday I found out my dog Buddy has stage four lymphoma. I don't understand why this is happening.
Buddy has always been special to me. We both did vigorous training for him to become a therapy dog for St. Lukes in 2004. He has since retired but the time we spent together built such an indescribable bond. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. He would get so excited to go to the hospital and have the kids pet him. The kids in the cancer ward would always call him the big black dog or the "black golden retriever". It is almost ironic that he used to help cheer kids up that were dying from cancer and now that cancer is what will take his life.
My husband and I have decided because he is at such an advanced stage we are not going to treat him with chemotherapy. Instead we will give him prednisone to make him feel better until his life ends. I don't want him to die. I don't want to watch him get sick and me to have to decide when to let him go. But I have to. And this is where I'm at. I guess feeling sorry for myself again. I sit and wonder if he has the mental capability to know that the end is near. He is still pretty lively but from the research I have done that will change very quickly. His appetite is already failing and I have to talk him through eating twice a day. The specialist said with or without the steroid treatment he will most likely only live a month or two and I can't stand the thought. Again I wonder (being in the field that I'm in) how people get through this. I guess it's just like everything else, you do it because there is no choice.
When my dad died I was talking to a Vet that lost her dad to a car accident and she said to me, "well at least you got to say goodbye, I didn't". The statement made me angry. My brother also died in a car accident and I never got to tell him goodbye. I guess whatever your situation you wish it was something else. But I can tell you right now, Watching someone die is so incredibly life crushing there aren't words to describe. So here I am again having to watch my Buddy get sick and die. It kills me to the core.
I don't get why god is handing me this. I feel like god has always given me large loads to carry, but this is almost too much. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go to work, I just want to be with him. But when I am with him, I am sad. People keep telling me enjoy him while he's here, but every time I look and him, pet him, kiss him, all I can think of is that this is all coming to and end soon. I think It is much more difficult for me emotionally right now because I just lost my dad, with no real time to grieve or show emotion. I feel almost slapped in the face and the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders for me to work through by myself. I feel like no one truly understands. I feel like people just "act" like they care. Similar to how I felt after dad died. I guess I just feel like I am waiting around for him to die now and there is an incredibly since of helplessness! There is nothing I can do. I want for him to feel better to get better but even with prayers I know it will not happen.
Buddy has always been special to me. We both did vigorous training for him to become a therapy dog for St. Lukes in 2004. He has since retired but the time we spent together built such an indescribable bond. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. He would get so excited to go to the hospital and have the kids pet him. The kids in the cancer ward would always call him the big black dog or the "black golden retriever". It is almost ironic that he used to help cheer kids up that were dying from cancer and now that cancer is what will take his life.
My husband and I have decided because he is at such an advanced stage we are not going to treat him with chemotherapy. Instead we will give him prednisone to make him feel better until his life ends. I don't want him to die. I don't want to watch him get sick and me to have to decide when to let him go. But I have to. And this is where I'm at. I guess feeling sorry for myself again. I sit and wonder if he has the mental capability to know that the end is near. He is still pretty lively but from the research I have done that will change very quickly. His appetite is already failing and I have to talk him through eating twice a day. The specialist said with or without the steroid treatment he will most likely only live a month or two and I can't stand the thought. Again I wonder (being in the field that I'm in) how people get through this. I guess it's just like everything else, you do it because there is no choice.
When my dad died I was talking to a Vet that lost her dad to a car accident and she said to me, "well at least you got to say goodbye, I didn't". The statement made me angry. My brother also died in a car accident and I never got to tell him goodbye. I guess whatever your situation you wish it was something else. But I can tell you right now, Watching someone die is so incredibly life crushing there aren't words to describe. So here I am again having to watch my Buddy get sick and die. It kills me to the core.
I don't get why god is handing me this. I feel like god has always given me large loads to carry, but this is almost too much. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go to work, I just want to be with him. But when I am with him, I am sad. People keep telling me enjoy him while he's here, but every time I look and him, pet him, kiss him, all I can think of is that this is all coming to and end soon. I think It is much more difficult for me emotionally right now because I just lost my dad, with no real time to grieve or show emotion. I feel almost slapped in the face and the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders for me to work through by myself. I feel like no one truly understands. I feel like people just "act" like they care. Similar to how I felt after dad died. I guess I just feel like I am waiting around for him to die now and there is an incredibly since of helplessness! There is nothing I can do. I want for him to feel better to get better but even with prayers I know it will not happen.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
One of the many reasons I love my husband
My husband creates randow songs for our furkids. Listen very carefully. LOL he would kill me if he knew I posted this.
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diva
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
How can I keep her here for me?
I worry about my girl. I think god has been preparing me for her time to go. I don't want to think about it but the time is coming soon I think and it scares me so much. I love her so much, I don't want her to leave me. She is always in pain. How can I keep her here for me?
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