So incredibly Annoyed, Altered state of consciousness

I get so incredibly annoyed at work. I think I am just so used to working by my self....wait no that is not what it is at all. It is just certain people I work with! Why am I kidding myself. I just feel like with that certain someone I am constantly dictated to and I just want to do things my way not hers. If I work with her it is always HER way and on her time frame. Which makes it really hard to work at as a team.

I woke up this morning at 12:45am just before my alarm went off. And I sat up in bed and just sat there for a minute thinking, "this shit's gotta come to an end!, I'm messing up my life" Anymore I have to sit there for a second just to wake up so I don't go down the stairs half asleep and fall down them. Not even kidding...I have randomly wanted to fall to sleep mid sentence talking to people before. I used to have a really hard time driving home because I would be nodding off and now my body has created this really weird state of consciousness where I can be awake but not really awake. I know it sounds absolutely crazy but it is the truth. I think it may be insomnia. For any of you that have ever seen the movie "Fight Club" before there is a great scene where they explain insomnia perfectly.

Today or actually yesterday...that is another bad thing I never know what day it is, I can't remember anything that happened the day before. Co-workers will ask me about patients that we had in yesterday and I can't remember crap! Anyways...yesterday when I got home I was so tired that I was typing on the computer and fell to sleep twice. When I actually fell to sleep around 9:30am I didn't wake up until like 3:30pm! I haven't slept that long straight through for months!!! It was such an awesome feeling!
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

Loved Completely

A few years ago god gave me a peace, a peace in knowing that no matter what I do, not matter what people think of me, or no matter what I have done in the past I am Loved Completely by him. It gave me such a peace knowing that I never had to worry about trying to please everyone. Always waiting for that approval of my parents, my boss or myself. God loves me for everything I do at it is always good enough for him.

Today I was awarded at work for recieving all of my "vision cards". Vision cards are basically complements written down and given to me by co-workers who think I have done a good job. I was the first one that recieved all of them. What honor I was given to recieve this award. And it felt so great being recognized for the things that I do. I think god knew I needed that. It is amazing how much a "good job" does for someone. This feels like a worldly pat on the back from god, and it feels great!

unsatisfied

Lately I have going through a very unsatisfied season. I am just kind of "so so" about nearly everything. I am not throughly satisfied with my job right now. I love what I do but it is so incredibly draining and wearing! I think It is more the shift I am working than my actual job. I don't want to sound cocky but I sometimes feel like I am the only one there with the true passion for my job. Everyone else seems to get caught up in these drama webs. I just want to help animals and love them and care for them. I don't want to know what is going on in "Jane's" love life and how this doctor was in a bad mood today. It is very frustrating at times. I feel like our jobs are already filled with too much emotion, we don't need to add to it.

I am also very unsatisfied with the way I look. It seems like I just woke up one day as a fat lady. Not to mention my thinning, graying hair. I have really let myself go. I realized that I used to be a different person. Not that I am a bad person now but I used to have much more joy and confidence. I feel like now I am just the fat girl that gets swept under the rug. Or the fat funny girl that people feel like they have to laugh at. Don't get me wrong. I am not asking for sympathy. I whole heartedly know that this is my doing. But It is hard to get through the day when you are so disappointed in yourself. I feel like my job has had it's own part in pre-maturely aging me. Maybe it's time to make a few changes.

Sad times

It was a very sad day today when we had two animals die on us and one very sad euthanasia on a cute little terrier mix named Peaches. The owners had randomly found her in the mountains four years ago and decided to keep her. They have no idea how old she was, but we could all tell she was pretty old. Their other vet had found that she had had both her shoulders fractured at sometime in her life and all of her front teeth knocked out somehow. She walked funny but she was so cute and was even wagging her tail. Cateracts comepletely covered her eyes but she didn't have to see to know that she was happy to go back to her owners arms. Little Peaches had kidney problems and also had cushings and the owner's told me they were giving her $100 worth of pills a month to keep her going. Well early this morning she had some kind of stroke or so they thought. Once they got her here (they had to drive in from Mt. Home) she was pretty much acting like her normal old self. But they had already decided on the way over that it was time to let her go. Her owner told me that she had prayed a couple days earlier that god would give her a sign and let her know when It was time. And she took this morning as her sign.
We placed an IV on the old girl while "her mom" cried in anticipation in the lobby. "I makes it so much harder when she is wagging her tail like that" She sighed. The lady's husband was acting very macho the whole time while I was getting their paperwork finished. He was even getting grumpy at his wife when she was asking him what they should do with her remains. "Just make a decision!" he raised his voice.
The doctor carried little Peaches up to her family wrapped up tight in a cute pastel blanket. The man shuttered and began to cry a little bit.
I feel like I have seen for the past 12 hours is people crying. And not an I'm sad cry. A I'm crushed cry. It is really hard for me to stay emotionally detached as we are forced to in this line of work. All I can envision is that older couple going home to an empty house, leaving their little friend of 4 years behind forever. I know they will still look for her for a while and expect her to be lying on her favorite spot on the kitchen floor. And how can I turn away from those thoughts and not feel deeply for these people standing in front of me.
God put me in this profession for a reason. But it is so hard sometimes fighting what is only natural. I do this because I love animals but to see them an their owners in agony is so painful at times.

Christmas ornaments

Making Christmas ornaments for the tree at work it is pretty fun. But I am tired. I don't know why I am tired. I actually have been sleeping quite a bit the past couple of days.
Just got a call that we have someone coming in so...got to go. I'll write more later.

First Blog

I'm new to the blogging. Well, not exactly new but am just now starting to except blogging and understand it more.