Good Bye Friend

O my friend. My little gray friend. I loved your squeaky meow. The way you loved your forehead kissed. My sweet boy you will be in my heart always.
Good Bye Friend

I guess I'm the "why me" kinda person you were talking about and I don't care

Yesterday I found out my dog Buddy has stage four lymphoma. I don't understand why this is happening.

Buddy has always been special to me. We both did vigorous training for him to become a therapy dog for St. Lukes in 2004. He has since retired but the time we spent together built such an indescribable bond. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. He would get so excited to go to the hospital and have the kids pet him. The kids in the cancer ward would always call him the big black dog or the "black golden retriever". It is almost ironic that he used to help cheer kids up that were dying from cancer and now that cancer is what will take his life.

My husband and I have decided because he is at such an advanced stage we are not going to treat him with chemotherapy. Instead we will give him prednisone to make him feel better until his life ends. I don't want him to die. I don't want to watch him get sick and me to have to decide when to let him go. But I have to. And this is where I'm at. I guess feeling sorry for myself again. I sit and wonder if he has the mental capability to know that the end is near. He is still pretty lively but from the research I have done that will change very quickly. His appetite is already failing and I have to talk him through eating twice a day. The specialist said with or without the steroid treatment he will most likely only live a month or two and I can't stand the thought. Again I wonder (being in the field that I'm in) how people get through this. I guess it's just like everything else, you do it because there is no choice.

When my dad died I was talking to a Vet that lost her dad to a car accident and she said to me, "well at least you got to say goodbye, I didn't". The statement made me angry. My brother also died in a car accident and I never got to tell him goodbye. I guess whatever your situation you wish it was something else. But I can tell you right now, Watching someone die is so incredibly life crushing there aren't words to describe. So here I am again having to watch my Buddy get sick and die. It kills me to the core.

I don't get why god is handing me this. I feel like god has always given me large loads to carry, but this is almost too much. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go to work, I just want to be with him. But when I am with him, I am sad. People keep telling me enjoy him while he's here, but every time I look and him, pet him, kiss him, all I can think of is that this is all coming to and end soon. I think It is much more difficult for me emotionally right now because I just lost my dad, with no real time to grieve or show emotion. I feel almost slapped in the face and the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders for me to work through by myself. I feel like no one truly understands. I feel like people just "act" like they care. Similar to how I felt after dad died. I guess I just feel like I am waiting around for him to die now and there is an incredibly since of helplessness! There is nothing I can do. I want for him to feel better to get better but even with prayers I know it will not happen.

One of the many reasons I love my husband

My husband creates randow songs for our furkids. Listen very carefully. LOL he would kill me if he knew I posted this.

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diva

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How can I keep her here for me?

I worry about my girl. I think god has been preparing me for her time to go. I don't want to think about it but the time is coming soon I think and it scares me so much. I love her so much, I don't want her to leave me. She is always in pain. How can I keep her here for me?

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Sometimes

Just sitting here reflecting on all the things I have had to endure in my short 27 years of life. It has been a lot!
A couple of broken hearts, loosing my brother, a divorce, a marriage, loosing my dad. And so many little things in between all those. Sometimes it is just too much to handle. I think I am fine for a while. Every once in a while it hits me.
I can't help but to think that many of my emotional and physical issues have to do with all of the crap I have had to deal with.
Why god is it so easy for some people and really hard for others. I don't get it. Of course then I start thinking about how lucky I really have it. Usually it can always be worse so you should be thankful for what you have, and what you did have.
But still. WHAT THE HELL>! I guess this is Jane feeling sorry for herself.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Only found at Taco Bell


Bounce Lint Rollers
Smell great, really gets the pet hair off and helps to prevent more pet hair from sticking


Graco Wooden Baby Gate
Changed my life, great for keeping pets in and out


Downy Lavendar and Vanillia Dryer Sheets
I love the way they smell


John Frieda's Frizz Ease Dream Curls
Works awesome for curly hair and doesn't make it "crunchy"


LG EnV2 Phone
My new cell, great for texting and has a lot of cool features


Infusium 23 Leave in Conditioner
works awesome for tangles and helps with frizz


Kirby Sentria
I freakin love my vacuum it works awesome and has a cool hard floor attachment so I never have to sweep again! Woohoo


Bath & Body Works Warm Vanillia Sugar Lotion
love it! smells good!


Adidas Sling Bag
works great for scootering, it's pink and it has a shock absorbing strap


Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
A indoor cat owner's must have!

The little things that bother me when i think about you

I still think you are home when I pull up to the house and see your truck there.
We threw away the food that you opened, it went bad
Quietness of the house. No TV
Getting rid of your things
Looking at your pictures when you were skinny and sick
The bad old days
Empty couch
You wanted to live
The dog is lonely
We all are

How are you doing?

I have been hearing that phrase a lot lately and I call it a phrase not a question for a reason. I don't think a lot of people that say it really mean it as a question it is more a statement just a phrase. Are you okay means, maybe I really don't want to know but I am making a statement by acting like I care, and maybe they do. But I don't think they really want to know the answer. Or maybe they are just expecting what everyone usually says. Like "fine" "okay" "hangin in there", but am I???!!!! No that's just what you say to someone that asks you that! Ugg.

Can't Describe These Feelings

I was there the day you took your last breath. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just find out like I did my brother, that you were just gone and that was it. But I know you did not want to be alone when you went.
I watched you struggle to breathe, it didn't even look like you. I wonder if you really would have wanted us all there watching you, just waiting for you to die. I don't really think you would have. But I know you didn't want to be alone so we were there. As hard as it was. I layed my head next to yours and told you it was ok to go. I love you. I love you. Those words I had only told you enough times to count with one hand. And why? Why were words so hard to say to you?
We watched on and I saw you slip away and suddenly our family of 5 turned to 3. I cried.