I guess I'm the "why me" kinda person you were talking about and I don't care

Yesterday I found out my dog Buddy has stage four lymphoma. I don't understand why this is happening.

Buddy has always been special to me. We both did vigorous training for him to become a therapy dog for St. Lukes in 2004. He has since retired but the time we spent together built such an indescribable bond. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. He would get so excited to go to the hospital and have the kids pet him. The kids in the cancer ward would always call him the big black dog or the "black golden retriever". It is almost ironic that he used to help cheer kids up that were dying from cancer and now that cancer is what will take his life.

My husband and I have decided because he is at such an advanced stage we are not going to treat him with chemotherapy. Instead we will give him prednisone to make him feel better until his life ends. I don't want him to die. I don't want to watch him get sick and me to have to decide when to let him go. But I have to. And this is where I'm at. I guess feeling sorry for myself again. I sit and wonder if he has the mental capability to know that the end is near. He is still pretty lively but from the research I have done that will change very quickly. His appetite is already failing and I have to talk him through eating twice a day. The specialist said with or without the steroid treatment he will most likely only live a month or two and I can't stand the thought. Again I wonder (being in the field that I'm in) how people get through this. I guess it's just like everything else, you do it because there is no choice.

When my dad died I was talking to a Vet that lost her dad to a car accident and she said to me, "well at least you got to say goodbye, I didn't". The statement made me angry. My brother also died in a car accident and I never got to tell him goodbye. I guess whatever your situation you wish it was something else. But I can tell you right now, Watching someone die is so incredibly life crushing there aren't words to describe. So here I am again having to watch my Buddy get sick and die. It kills me to the core.

I don't get why god is handing me this. I feel like god has always given me large loads to carry, but this is almost too much. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go to work, I just want to be with him. But when I am with him, I am sad. People keep telling me enjoy him while he's here, but every time I look and him, pet him, kiss him, all I can think of is that this is all coming to and end soon. I think It is much more difficult for me emotionally right now because I just lost my dad, with no real time to grieve or show emotion. I feel almost slapped in the face and the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders for me to work through by myself. I feel like no one truly understands. I feel like people just "act" like they care. Similar to how I felt after dad died. I guess I just feel like I am waiting around for him to die now and there is an incredibly since of helplessness! There is nothing I can do. I want for him to feel better to get better but even with prayers I know it will not happen.