Sometimes

Just sitting here reflecting on all the things I have had to endure in my short 27 years of life. It has been a lot!
A couple of broken hearts, loosing my brother, a divorce, a marriage, loosing my dad. And so many little things in between all those. Sometimes it is just too much to handle. I think I am fine for a while. Every once in a while it hits me.
I can't help but to think that many of my emotional and physical issues have to do with all of the crap I have had to deal with.
Why god is it so easy for some people and really hard for others. I don't get it. Of course then I start thinking about how lucky I really have it. Usually it can always be worse so you should be thankful for what you have, and what you did have.
But still. WHAT THE HELL>! I guess this is Jane feeling sorry for herself.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Only found at Taco Bell


Bounce Lint Rollers
Smell great, really gets the pet hair off and helps to prevent more pet hair from sticking


Graco Wooden Baby Gate
Changed my life, great for keeping pets in and out


Downy Lavendar and Vanillia Dryer Sheets
I love the way they smell


John Frieda's Frizz Ease Dream Curls
Works awesome for curly hair and doesn't make it "crunchy"


LG EnV2 Phone
My new cell, great for texting and has a lot of cool features


Infusium 23 Leave in Conditioner
works awesome for tangles and helps with frizz


Kirby Sentria
I freakin love my vacuum it works awesome and has a cool hard floor attachment so I never have to sweep again! Woohoo


Bath & Body Works Warm Vanillia Sugar Lotion
love it! smells good!


Adidas Sling Bag
works great for scootering, it's pink and it has a shock absorbing strap


Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
A indoor cat owner's must have!

The little things that bother me when i think about you

I still think you are home when I pull up to the house and see your truck there.
We threw away the food that you opened, it went bad
Quietness of the house. No TV
Getting rid of your things
Looking at your pictures when you were skinny and sick
The bad old days
Empty couch
You wanted to live
The dog is lonely
We all are

How are you doing?

I have been hearing that phrase a lot lately and I call it a phrase not a question for a reason. I don't think a lot of people that say it really mean it as a question it is more a statement just a phrase. Are you okay means, maybe I really don't want to know but I am making a statement by acting like I care, and maybe they do. But I don't think they really want to know the answer. Or maybe they are just expecting what everyone usually says. Like "fine" "okay" "hangin in there", but am I???!!!! No that's just what you say to someone that asks you that! Ugg.

Can't Describe These Feelings

I was there the day you took your last breath. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just find out like I did my brother, that you were just gone and that was it. But I know you did not want to be alone when you went.
I watched you struggle to breathe, it didn't even look like you. I wonder if you really would have wanted us all there watching you, just waiting for you to die. I don't really think you would have. But I know you didn't want to be alone so we were there. As hard as it was. I layed my head next to yours and told you it was ok to go. I love you. I love you. Those words I had only told you enough times to count with one hand. And why? Why were words so hard to say to you?
We watched on and I saw you slip away and suddenly our family of 5 turned to 3. I cried.

So incredibly Annoyed, Altered state of consciousness

I get so incredibly annoyed at work. I think I am just so used to working by my self....wait no that is not what it is at all. It is just certain people I work with! Why am I kidding myself. I just feel like with that certain someone I am constantly dictated to and I just want to do things my way not hers. If I work with her it is always HER way and on her time frame. Which makes it really hard to work at as a team.

I woke up this morning at 12:45am just before my alarm went off. And I sat up in bed and just sat there for a minute thinking, "this shit's gotta come to an end!, I'm messing up my life" Anymore I have to sit there for a second just to wake up so I don't go down the stairs half asleep and fall down them. Not even kidding...I have randomly wanted to fall to sleep mid sentence talking to people before. I used to have a really hard time driving home because I would be nodding off and now my body has created this really weird state of consciousness where I can be awake but not really awake. I know it sounds absolutely crazy but it is the truth. I think it may be insomnia. For any of you that have ever seen the movie "Fight Club" before there is a great scene where they explain insomnia perfectly.

Today or actually yesterday...that is another bad thing I never know what day it is, I can't remember anything that happened the day before. Co-workers will ask me about patients that we had in yesterday and I can't remember crap! Anyways...yesterday when I got home I was so tired that I was typing on the computer and fell to sleep twice. When I actually fell to sleep around 9:30am I didn't wake up until like 3:30pm! I haven't slept that long straight through for months!!! It was such an awesome feeling!
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

Loved Completely

A few years ago god gave me a peace, a peace in knowing that no matter what I do, not matter what people think of me, or no matter what I have done in the past I am Loved Completely by him. It gave me such a peace knowing that I never had to worry about trying to please everyone. Always waiting for that approval of my parents, my boss or myself. God loves me for everything I do at it is always good enough for him.

Today I was awarded at work for recieving all of my "vision cards". Vision cards are basically complements written down and given to me by co-workers who think I have done a good job. I was the first one that recieved all of them. What honor I was given to recieve this award. And it felt so great being recognized for the things that I do. I think god knew I needed that. It is amazing how much a "good job" does for someone. This feels like a worldly pat on the back from god, and it feels great!