Please Don't Ever Let Me Forget

Do you ever have those moments in life that you know are once in a life time situations that you try despretely to burn into your memory? Those "I don't want to forget this moment" thought. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on tight, sometimes litterally. You know these moments are precious and they will end soon, you try sooo hard to file your sences.

It seems strange that is can obtain to good or bad things:

the last time I was at the Ocean, the feeling of sand on my feet, the smell of the salt water, the seagulls nearly 15 years ago

Looking over the Gorge in Washington, while listening the the bands praise Jesus.

Holding my dad's hand as he left this world.

The feel and smell of Buddy's ear hair as he laid his head on that pillow.

Holding my husband's hands as we said our vows.

Watching Buddy play, swim, and run with the other dogs.

Seeing the castle at the Magic Kingdom for the first time.

Spending time with my grandparents. The things they say.

Those certain moments in life that for that one minute, everything is RIGHT. The feeling that if you could just stay in that moment forever you would be so happy. Like waking up in your husbands arms. The feeling of pure joy.

What they see is ME

I was sitting in my back yard the other day thinking about how awesome it would be to live on a farm and have my own garden, my own calf and pig (pets of course). I tried to play through in my head how neat it would be and then it hit me. That is a lot of hard work! I moan and groan about getting up to feed the dogs we have, or cleaning the litter boxes. I hardly eat fruits and vegetables. In fact, I eat out 80% of the time (that's why I'm so fat). And speaking of fatness, When was the last time you saw a fat lazy person out in the field weeding the crop?

I don't know who I am! But wait, yes I do.

I have this image in my head of who I am. Earth friendly. Fit women, who can run 4 miles. I dress really trendy, different and eco friendly.

Who I really am...

I recycle, only for my husband and I to argue about who took the bins out (talk about lazy). I tried to do the whole eco-friendly cleaners etc., and just got frustrated because they weren't working as well. O and I'm trying to tell myself I'm going to cloth diaper whenever we have our child. Who the heck am I kidding!!

99% of the time I'm wearing scrubs, polyester blend scrubs mind you (what they dry faster in the dryer!) And when I'm not I'm wearing sweats or a pair of jeans I had to shove into.

About 7-8 years ago, I was fit. About 135lbs. I ran no less than 2 miles a day (usually 4). Went to the gym 5+ days a week. Now I sleep 10-12 hours a day. I haven't been to the gym since before I injured my ankle in roller derby probably 8 months ago. It's quite comical when I think about it, at my second job everyone is an athlete, they all do fun runs and triathlons and shit. So everyone once in a while they'll be talking about running or training and I'll pipe in the conversation. You see, in my head I'm still that fit person, that actually knows quite a bit about training, running etc. Only for them they stop talking and look at me like I'm full of shit. The looks on their faces are really priceless. On occasion they will actually look at me from head to toe, not kidding. Because you see, what they see, is ME!

Tears and Rain

I'm not a huge reader of the bible but I did attend Sunday school many years ago pretty religously (no pun intended). I think somewhere in there it talks about rain and how god intended it to wash things clean. That is what I need. I need a clean slate. This early morning as I listen to the rain fall hard on my roof, all I can think about is the tears. Call it symbolism but, the tears within me seem similar to the falling rain.

About 24 hours ago I came to learn of a long time friend's death. Her name was Lindsay and she was my bride's maid in my wedding. She was only 25 years old and she's gone. My sister, her and I, grew up together. Three years older than my sister and three years younger than me, we made a good clan. We had similar things in common. Comdeians at heart, had a strong passion for animals. Our clan often made things up to preform, clubs to become members of. Two of those included the earth savers club and the smoky the bear club :) . She lived directly across the street from our house the majority of my growing up so she truely became like a second sister to me.

My world, once again, extremely shaken. I feel very much on the edge some kind of mental break down. Although I'm not sure if it is a negative break down or not, it concerns me. I need some silence, a washing of rain, lots of tears.

"Even with Prayers I know it won't happen"

That line was the last line of my blog about my dog Buddy. Buddy IS and I'm estatic to report ALIVE and doing pretty good!! Just a couple days ago we had a couple growths removed from him and he is truely hanging on like a trooper.
I feel sad that I had little faith in god. With god anything is possible. When did I start doubting him?
I talked to a friend a few days ago that I hadn't talked to in a long time and he said, "so yeah, I was reading your blogs on your MySpace, are you like all religous now or something.?", I almost wanted to laugh because, first of all those blogs I wrote were probably close to 3 years old and second I am very far from god now. But him saying that was a little slap in the face. I go back to my blogs that I had wrote and It was so simple to see and change in my life just by the way I was writing. I was happy! I was hopeful. To respond to my friend I said, "yeah that was a long time ago, and a lot has changed since then." Truely I have been through a lot of heartache in the past year, but god hasn't changed, I have. His love is everlasting and complete. So I guess I am just thinking as I'm typing here but...how have I changed?! Obvoiusly I've lost some faith. But why? I think some of it may be some resentment from loosing my dad. You know I have really only gone to church maybe twice since my daddy died nearly a year and a half ago. I know speaking with god and going for worship is very emotional for me and that is one of the reasons I have been avoiding church. I mean, I think deep down inside I really haven't grieved, I have completely pushed my emotions aside, because I knew I had to. I had two jobs to go back to, and had to be a "normal" person at them. I only took like three days off of work after his funneral, everyone else took a couple weeks, my sister took like a month. I don't know I think I have some resentment there too. It's hard to say what has happened but I think it's time to let god take care of these burdens and let him back into my life. With Prayers I know it CAN happen.

Good Bye Friend

O my friend. My little gray friend. I loved your squeaky meow. The way you loved your forehead kissed. My sweet boy you will be in my heart always.
Good Bye Friend

I guess I'm the "why me" kinda person you were talking about and I don't care

Yesterday I found out my dog Buddy has stage four lymphoma. I don't understand why this is happening.

Buddy has always been special to me. We both did vigorous training for him to become a therapy dog for St. Lukes in 2004. He has since retired but the time we spent together built such an indescribable bond. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. He would get so excited to go to the hospital and have the kids pet him. The kids in the cancer ward would always call him the big black dog or the "black golden retriever". It is almost ironic that he used to help cheer kids up that were dying from cancer and now that cancer is what will take his life.

My husband and I have decided because he is at such an advanced stage we are not going to treat him with chemotherapy. Instead we will give him prednisone to make him feel better until his life ends. I don't want him to die. I don't want to watch him get sick and me to have to decide when to let him go. But I have to. And this is where I'm at. I guess feeling sorry for myself again. I sit and wonder if he has the mental capability to know that the end is near. He is still pretty lively but from the research I have done that will change very quickly. His appetite is already failing and I have to talk him through eating twice a day. The specialist said with or without the steroid treatment he will most likely only live a month or two and I can't stand the thought. Again I wonder (being in the field that I'm in) how people get through this. I guess it's just like everything else, you do it because there is no choice.

When my dad died I was talking to a Vet that lost her dad to a car accident and she said to me, "well at least you got to say goodbye, I didn't". The statement made me angry. My brother also died in a car accident and I never got to tell him goodbye. I guess whatever your situation you wish it was something else. But I can tell you right now, Watching someone die is so incredibly life crushing there aren't words to describe. So here I am again having to watch my Buddy get sick and die. It kills me to the core.

I don't get why god is handing me this. I feel like god has always given me large loads to carry, but this is almost too much. All I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go to work, I just want to be with him. But when I am with him, I am sad. People keep telling me enjoy him while he's here, but every time I look and him, pet him, kiss him, all I can think of is that this is all coming to and end soon. I think It is much more difficult for me emotionally right now because I just lost my dad, with no real time to grieve or show emotion. I feel almost slapped in the face and the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders for me to work through by myself. I feel like no one truly understands. I feel like people just "act" like they care. Similar to how I felt after dad died. I guess I just feel like I am waiting around for him to die now and there is an incredibly since of helplessness! There is nothing I can do. I want for him to feel better to get better but even with prayers I know it will not happen.

One of the many reasons I love my husband

My husband creates randow songs for our furkids. Listen very carefully. LOL he would kill me if he knew I posted this.

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diva

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How can I keep her here for me?

I worry about my girl. I think god has been preparing me for her time to go. I don't want to think about it but the time is coming soon I think and it scares me so much. I love her so much, I don't want her to leave me. She is always in pain. How can I keep her here for me?

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Sometimes

Just sitting here reflecting on all the things I have had to endure in my short 27 years of life. It has been a lot!
A couple of broken hearts, loosing my brother, a divorce, a marriage, loosing my dad. And so many little things in between all those. Sometimes it is just too much to handle. I think I am fine for a while. Every once in a while it hits me.
I can't help but to think that many of my emotional and physical issues have to do with all of the crap I have had to deal with.
Why god is it so easy for some people and really hard for others. I don't get it. Of course then I start thinking about how lucky I really have it. Usually it can always be worse so you should be thankful for what you have, and what you did have.
But still. WHAT THE HELL>! I guess this is Jane feeling sorry for herself.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Only found at Taco Bell


Bounce Lint Rollers
Smell great, really gets the pet hair off and helps to prevent more pet hair from sticking


Graco Wooden Baby Gate
Changed my life, great for keeping pets in and out


Downy Lavendar and Vanillia Dryer Sheets
I love the way they smell


John Frieda's Frizz Ease Dream Curls
Works awesome for curly hair and doesn't make it "crunchy"


LG EnV2 Phone
My new cell, great for texting and has a lot of cool features


Infusium 23 Leave in Conditioner
works awesome for tangles and helps with frizz


Kirby Sentria
I freakin love my vacuum it works awesome and has a cool hard floor attachment so I never have to sweep again! Woohoo


Bath & Body Works Warm Vanillia Sugar Lotion
love it! smells good!


Adidas Sling Bag
works great for scootering, it's pink and it has a shock absorbing strap


Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
A indoor cat owner's must have!

The little things that bother me when i think about you

I still think you are home when I pull up to the house and see your truck there.
We threw away the food that you opened, it went bad
Quietness of the house. No TV
Getting rid of your things
Looking at your pictures when you were skinny and sick
The bad old days
Empty couch
You wanted to live
The dog is lonely
We all are

How are you doing?

I have been hearing that phrase a lot lately and I call it a phrase not a question for a reason. I don't think a lot of people that say it really mean it as a question it is more a statement just a phrase. Are you okay means, maybe I really don't want to know but I am making a statement by acting like I care, and maybe they do. But I don't think they really want to know the answer. Or maybe they are just expecting what everyone usually says. Like "fine" "okay" "hangin in there", but am I???!!!! No that's just what you say to someone that asks you that! Ugg.

Can't Describe These Feelings

I was there the day you took your last breath. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just find out like I did my brother, that you were just gone and that was it. But I know you did not want to be alone when you went.
I watched you struggle to breathe, it didn't even look like you. I wonder if you really would have wanted us all there watching you, just waiting for you to die. I don't really think you would have. But I know you didn't want to be alone so we were there. As hard as it was. I layed my head next to yours and told you it was ok to go. I love you. I love you. Those words I had only told you enough times to count with one hand. And why? Why were words so hard to say to you?
We watched on and I saw you slip away and suddenly our family of 5 turned to 3. I cried.

So incredibly Annoyed, Altered state of consciousness

I get so incredibly annoyed at work. I think I am just so used to working by my self....wait no that is not what it is at all. It is just certain people I work with! Why am I kidding myself. I just feel like with that certain someone I am constantly dictated to and I just want to do things my way not hers. If I work with her it is always HER way and on her time frame. Which makes it really hard to work at as a team.

I woke up this morning at 12:45am just before my alarm went off. And I sat up in bed and just sat there for a minute thinking, "this shit's gotta come to an end!, I'm messing up my life" Anymore I have to sit there for a second just to wake up so I don't go down the stairs half asleep and fall down them. Not even kidding...I have randomly wanted to fall to sleep mid sentence talking to people before. I used to have a really hard time driving home because I would be nodding off and now my body has created this really weird state of consciousness where I can be awake but not really awake. I know it sounds absolutely crazy but it is the truth. I think it may be insomnia. For any of you that have ever seen the movie "Fight Club" before there is a great scene where they explain insomnia perfectly.

Today or actually yesterday...that is another bad thing I never know what day it is, I can't remember anything that happened the day before. Co-workers will ask me about patients that we had in yesterday and I can't remember crap! Anyways...yesterday when I got home I was so tired that I was typing on the computer and fell to sleep twice. When I actually fell to sleep around 9:30am I didn't wake up until like 3:30pm! I haven't slept that long straight through for months!!! It was such an awesome feeling!
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

Loved Completely

A few years ago god gave me a peace, a peace in knowing that no matter what I do, not matter what people think of me, or no matter what I have done in the past I am Loved Completely by him. It gave me such a peace knowing that I never had to worry about trying to please everyone. Always waiting for that approval of my parents, my boss or myself. God loves me for everything I do at it is always good enough for him.

Today I was awarded at work for recieving all of my "vision cards". Vision cards are basically complements written down and given to me by co-workers who think I have done a good job. I was the first one that recieved all of them. What honor I was given to recieve this award. And it felt so great being recognized for the things that I do. I think god knew I needed that. It is amazing how much a "good job" does for someone. This feels like a worldly pat on the back from god, and it feels great!

unsatisfied

Lately I have going through a very unsatisfied season. I am just kind of "so so" about nearly everything. I am not throughly satisfied with my job right now. I love what I do but it is so incredibly draining and wearing! I think It is more the shift I am working than my actual job. I don't want to sound cocky but I sometimes feel like I am the only one there with the true passion for my job. Everyone else seems to get caught up in these drama webs. I just want to help animals and love them and care for them. I don't want to know what is going on in "Jane's" love life and how this doctor was in a bad mood today. It is very frustrating at times. I feel like our jobs are already filled with too much emotion, we don't need to add to it.

I am also very unsatisfied with the way I look. It seems like I just woke up one day as a fat lady. Not to mention my thinning, graying hair. I have really let myself go. I realized that I used to be a different person. Not that I am a bad person now but I used to have much more joy and confidence. I feel like now I am just the fat girl that gets swept under the rug. Or the fat funny girl that people feel like they have to laugh at. Don't get me wrong. I am not asking for sympathy. I whole heartedly know that this is my doing. But It is hard to get through the day when you are so disappointed in yourself. I feel like my job has had it's own part in pre-maturely aging me. Maybe it's time to make a few changes.

Sad times

It was a very sad day today when we had two animals die on us and one very sad euthanasia on a cute little terrier mix named Peaches. The owners had randomly found her in the mountains four years ago and decided to keep her. They have no idea how old she was, but we could all tell she was pretty old. Their other vet had found that she had had both her shoulders fractured at sometime in her life and all of her front teeth knocked out somehow. She walked funny but she was so cute and was even wagging her tail. Cateracts comepletely covered her eyes but she didn't have to see to know that she was happy to go back to her owners arms. Little Peaches had kidney problems and also had cushings and the owner's told me they were giving her $100 worth of pills a month to keep her going. Well early this morning she had some kind of stroke or so they thought. Once they got her here (they had to drive in from Mt. Home) she was pretty much acting like her normal old self. But they had already decided on the way over that it was time to let her go. Her owner told me that she had prayed a couple days earlier that god would give her a sign and let her know when It was time. And she took this morning as her sign.
We placed an IV on the old girl while "her mom" cried in anticipation in the lobby. "I makes it so much harder when she is wagging her tail like that" She sighed. The lady's husband was acting very macho the whole time while I was getting their paperwork finished. He was even getting grumpy at his wife when she was asking him what they should do with her remains. "Just make a decision!" he raised his voice.
The doctor carried little Peaches up to her family wrapped up tight in a cute pastel blanket. The man shuttered and began to cry a little bit.
I feel like I have seen for the past 12 hours is people crying. And not an I'm sad cry. A I'm crushed cry. It is really hard for me to stay emotionally detached as we are forced to in this line of work. All I can envision is that older couple going home to an empty house, leaving their little friend of 4 years behind forever. I know they will still look for her for a while and expect her to be lying on her favorite spot on the kitchen floor. And how can I turn away from those thoughts and not feel deeply for these people standing in front of me.
God put me in this profession for a reason. But it is so hard sometimes fighting what is only natural. I do this because I love animals but to see them an their owners in agony is so painful at times.

Christmas ornaments

Making Christmas ornaments for the tree at work it is pretty fun. But I am tired. I don't know why I am tired. I actually have been sleeping quite a bit the past couple of days.
Just got a call that we have someone coming in so...got to go. I'll write more later.

First Blog

I'm new to the blogging. Well, not exactly new but am just now starting to except blogging and understand it more.